heart of stone

When I first learned about the earthquake in Haiti, I realized something very disturbing about myself. I have a heart of stone. I have become numb to world tragedies and the suffering of others. I don't quite know whether it's a lack of empathy that I have...or that I've just grown used to how broken the world is.

At the moment, I have very little passion for anything or anyone. God continually told Moses that the people He rescued from Egypt would continue to wander in the desert-- they had hearts of stone that were far from Him. I have skipped church for the past few weeks. I haven't physically been there in about five weeks. Emotionally and spiritually, I don't think I have been in church for even longer. Intellectually, I'm on and off.

I am extremely disturbed by my state. When I see people of passion -- whether it is for God, their significant others, political causes...it causes me anxiety and discomfort. Not because I want to be like them-- with a heart stirred and excited...but because I may be afraid of becoming passionate. Or maybe...I still want to be like them but I just don't where to start.

I know a heart of compassion is more than the result of natural feelings of empathy. It is also a product of a disciplined mind set on serving the Lord and His people. Why am I still in the desert? I'm further away from my vision than I was five years ago. And why, why, why am I so complacent about my current state? I do not feel any urgency..though I am probably dying of thirst...slowly but surely.

A Pink Floyd song that played in the beginning of "Blue Fireworks" (Ninomiya Kazunari's first major movie) had a line..."Why was Jesus crucified...did I watch too much TV?" Perhaps too much TV watching has caused my mind, heart, and body to become numb...to the world and to the condition of my heart.