procrastination

It's January and I'm already falling behind in my work! Where did my plans to get my studying done early go? I have so much to do this week including submitting my Study Abroad Proposal. I have mixed feelings about going abroad. I really really want to go but staying in Ann Arbor might also work out. I could enjoy some grade inflation rather than take mandatory pass/fail classes. We'll see. I hope Prof. West says yes when I ask him if he'd be my 3-credit independent study adviser.

I told Tina this but professor-student relationships are so awkward. It's very hard to click...because professors are so risk adverse to start off with...and the relationship demands professionalism.  I am a professional teacher's pet but it has been harder to be as good of a teacher's pet in college and grad school. I totally mastered it in high school. I will keep trying.

the fourth day is the hardest

There's a Korean saying (based on Chinese characters)

작심삼일 [作心三日] -- meaning that a commitment/resolution loses a lot of its force on the fourth day and it's hard to keep those commitments/resolutions.

This blog is the same! It's becoming a burden. Haha.

Why is it so hard to be disciplined in so many areas of life? I can brush my teeth, eat, shower, eat... every single day but it's so much harder to study, write e-mails, do QTs, go to the gym, and do other tasks on a daily basis.

That is all for today. Posting for the sake of posting. Posting for the sake of consistency!

finding old friends on facebook

I used to move around a lot when I was a kid -- I can't keep the dates straight or the order of places I lived in straight. I can't tell you if I went to all grades of elementary school. I was born in Queens Hospital in Flushing, New York. At that time, my parents were living in Queens but would move to Brooklyn before Sally was born. When I was around five or six, my parents moved back to Pusan, Korea. I went to international school there -- this is where I met my first best friend in life, Tuulia. When my parents separated (the divorce took awhile...like five years?), I went to a different school which was affiliated with the U.S. army in Pusan. That was my first good-bye. The next year went by in an odd manner-- where I remember going to Korean elementary school but the details are fuzzy and the three of us were wanderers. Then, my mom took my sister and me to Florida for a little less than a year. I think I was either in third-grade or fourth grade. We went back to Korea and I went to Korean elementary school again (a different one) where I met my second best friend in life, Yuh-ah (I found her about a year ago on a Korean-facebook type thing). Spending a little less than a year, my mom took us back to the states-- this time, San Francisco. I was in 4th grade. I made many friends (and found one of them on Facebook!). Then, she took us to San Diego. This is where I spent three years. After three years, I would move to Buffalo, New York.

Yesterday, I found on Facebook many of the people I remembered from San Diego including my seventh-grade teacher! I had tried to look for them years ago but none of my closest friends were on Facebook. What was interesting that I discovered from friending them was that -- while my life in San Diego was a neat chapter that ended with us four being bffs and me leaving...their lives in San Diego continued. The two girls were still inseparable. But one of the girls that used to be in our "clique" was missing in all of their pictures. I found her on Facebook and saw that they had gone to different high schools. The two girls weren't even Facebook friends with the third girl!

It's interesting how while time with those individuals for me stopped back twelve years ago...for them, it continued and changed. Life went on without me for the three girls who used to be my best friends. Of course my life without them went on as well. I don't know whether it was a good thing for me to have moved around so much. Probably not. Not a single time was the good-bye a little easier just because I had done it before. But I'm not sure if I'm the type of person who is able to live in one place for too long. While the good-byes are hard, the hellos with the new people are pretty wonderful. I like change. I like meeting people from different walks of life. I don't think I can live in one place for more than five years. I might scream. Or maybe it's because I've never done it before. Maybe I can do it.

Side-note: Kind of corny but I was probably never truly lonely during the wandering since I always had my sister.

heart of stone

When I first learned about the earthquake in Haiti, I realized something very disturbing about myself. I have a heart of stone. I have become numb to world tragedies and the suffering of others. I don't quite know whether it's a lack of empathy that I have...or that I've just grown used to how broken the world is.

At the moment, I have very little passion for anything or anyone. God continually told Moses that the people He rescued from Egypt would continue to wander in the desert-- they had hearts of stone that were far from Him. I have skipped church for the past few weeks. I haven't physically been there in about five weeks. Emotionally and spiritually, I don't think I have been in church for even longer. Intellectually, I'm on and off.

I am extremely disturbed by my state. When I see people of passion -- whether it is for God, their significant others, political causes...it causes me anxiety and discomfort. Not because I want to be like them-- with a heart stirred and excited...but because I may be afraid of becoming passionate. Or maybe...I still want to be like them but I just don't where to start.

I know a heart of compassion is more than the result of natural feelings of empathy. It is also a product of a disciplined mind set on serving the Lord and His people. Why am I still in the desert? I'm further away from my vision than I was five years ago. And why, why, why am I so complacent about my current state? I do not feel any urgency..though I am probably dying of thirst...slowly but surely.

A Pink Floyd song that played in the beginning of "Blue Fireworks" (Ninomiya Kazunari's first major movie) had a line..."Why was Jesus crucified...did I watch too much TV?" Perhaps too much TV watching has caused my mind, heart, and body to become numb...to the world and to the condition of my heart.

blogging for myself and anyone who cares to read my babbles

The following is an excerpt from my second to last entry in xanga (2003-2006) on May 19, 2006:


"Junior year of college..is over. Junior year of high school feels like yesterday and 10 years ago simultaneously (but different moments hold different weights). Certain moments feel as though it happened yesterday while other moments...I have no recall whatsoever. Fall semester was a lot of fun. Spring semester....was interesting. Actually, interesting isn't the right word to use. It was overwhelming. Too much work, too much work, too much work. I met a lot of different people.....from work....from school. People came in and out of my life-- I had to be ten different versions of myself for the different people in my life....not to fake myself or anything but it is necessary. You put on different hats....for work, for school, for family, for friends, for semi-friends, for special people, for quasi-interests, for random encounters..."

I think I'm still the same person. For the most part, I am where I am supposed to be according to my plans in 2006. I was just starting to study for my LSATs and here I am in law school.

The excerpted portion is interesting because I made a pact to myself that I would finally let go of one of the ghosts mentioned in 2006 only recently. I was vague about who I'm talking about back in 2006 and I will continue to be as vague.

Anyway, I'm going to give blogging another shot. It won't be private because I don't think many people will read it. People who will read it are the people who I don't mind sharing my babbles. Quick story (confession-style for my first entry for my thirty year old self).

In my second semester of college (freshman year, 2004), I fell in love (?) with a boy at first sight. I had the biggest crush on someone who I hadn't even spoken a word to. After I found out his name, I performed a google search on him (a combination of his name and "Stern NYU") and discovered his xanga. JACK-POT! There were two years or so worth of blog entries. He was an avid blogger who poured out his soul on his xanga. Lucky me! For an amateur stalker, that was truly a great find. There were hundreds of entries. His xanga was his diary (obviously Asian-American). I read them all (seriously)in one sitting. I let my roommates read them and sent them over to Sally as well. That was kind of creepy of me.

I learned so much about him just by reading his blog. I'm sure the people who I shared the entries with also feel this way. He had almost no discretion. I never became his friend though later we would become acquaintances. One day, during the last weeks of freshman year, I happened to be in the same elevator with him. Just the two of us. I thought it was so strange how much I knew about him while he only vaguely knew who I was. It was a quiet elevator ride. As I saw him leave the elevator, I thought to myself...wow, life is so lame. Nothing like the movies.

Two years later, I was formally introduced to him (so, I could be on a hello-basis with him) by another boy. Anyway, I think the point of the story is...though I know there is no one out there performing an active, aggressive, stalker-like google-search on me, I want to be as open as he was and let anyone who is interested have some informational advantage. Well...it'll probably be only me five years later reading my old entries and giggling at how immature I was.

So here goes my blog for myself and anyone interested in my babbles.

시작은 어렵다.

시작은 어렵다.
아직 페이퍼를 시작하지 못했다.
핑계도 참 많이 대면서...
페이퍼를 피하고 있다.

왜 이렇게 시작은 어려운 것일까?

ㅠㅠ

2010

스물 다섯이 되는 해.

열심히 모든 것에 최선을 다하며 살자.

오늘은 청소를 시작했다.

내일은 Reorganization: Chapter 11 페이퍼를 시작해야지..ㅠㅠ

이런...

내가 있는 장소에서..

최선을 다하자가...

이번 해 모토.